I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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