i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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