I feel great
I just peed on a car
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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