Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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