he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
