Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
