I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
