two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
