He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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