Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
this will be a night to untag.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
