So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
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I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
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