I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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