he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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