On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
