You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
This house was built for laser tag.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
