Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
