I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
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I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
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So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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