I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
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I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
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You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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