Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
