How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
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When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
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Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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