My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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