Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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