Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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