There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
