I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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