she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
