Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Drunk is not a location!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
