I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
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Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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