sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
