I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
