So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
