your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
