Apparently you make a good broom.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
