I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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