every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
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I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
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Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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