i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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