my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
