I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
