So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
