I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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