I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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