you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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