Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
