You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
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My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
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You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
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