Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
