I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
