that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
