If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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