please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
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Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
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It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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