well I can't set my house on fire every night
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
