I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
